So I'm finally in my senior year of high school. Big changes and important decisions are being thrown my way every day. Some days I want to scream and hide, some days I want to cry, and some days I just laugh my ass off.
But right now, I don't know. I'm so confused about everything right now. My family supports me in everything I do, but sometimes I feel like they're out of the loop. My friends always have my back, but sometimes they don't know the full truth.
I'm being pulled back and forth in every direction imaginable. I feel like I'm starting to wander down the wrong path and I'm afraid that I'll get lost and won't be able to find my way back. Back to where everything made sense.
Where have those days gone? The simple ones, where the hardest choice you had to make was whether you wanted butter or jelly on your morning toast?. I miss those days. I find myself constantly wishing to go back to the age of 4 and forget all of this pressure that keeps surrounding me, like walls that keep closing in. I feel like these walls keep growing taller and closer together, further trapping me in until there isn't even a hope of escpaping.
Maybe I'm being dramatic. Maybe I'm just complaining. No.
I'm growing up, as strange as it feels.
Right now, this realization is scary. Right now, I'm afraid for the day when I won't be able to just run down the hall when I need my mommy or hold my teddy bear when the bad dreams won't leave my head. I like being considered a child. It makes me feel freer that it would being an adult, despite the fact that adults legally have more freedoms than children.
Regardless of age and its formalities in the legal system, I have discovered a new lease on life. I realize that the youthful innocense of my childhood is slowly trickling away from me and I have very little time left with it. I realized that I need to hold my teddy bear while I can and cry for my mom now while I still live under the same roof. I guess I've just decided that I should make the most of, not just the rest of my childhood, but my life as a whole. I know that phrase has become so generic over the years, but I think now that it finally applies to me.
This is my year. This year, I will become a high school graduate, finally enter college, become an adult, and finally realize what will become of my life. I'm ready for every change and every decision, good or bad. Bring it on.
